Gomer the Turtle and Stevie the Hippopotamus are Facebook ‘frenemies.’ A Frenemy is someone you are friends with but occasionally wish a plague of locusts upon.
Gomer and Stevie often find themselves on the opposite side of issues. Gomer feels one way and oddly enough his friend Stevie usually comes down on the opposite side. So they argue – alot. Sometimes day and night.
Lately they have been arguing about guns. Stevie thinks that gun violence is getting out of hand in America and “Something must be done!” Gomer believes that there really is nothing that can be done about gun violence. “After all,” Gomer proudly says, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!”
One day Gomer the Turtle decides that it would be best if Stevie the Hippopotamus had the chance to hold and shoot a gun.
“After all,” thought Gomer, “he might grow to like the feel of power and exhilaration that comes from shooting a real gun. And if he does maybe he will lighten up a little and stop being such a pain in the ...”
Well – you get the idea.
So Gomer puts on his cowboy hat and his cowboy jeans, straps his leather holster to his waist, gets into his Hummer with all the MAGA stickers on the back and picks up Stevie the Hippopotamus. They drive out to the Plink-a-Lot pistol range.
“Here you go.” says Gomer the Turtle handing Stevie the Hippopotamus his .357 Jones & Wasson revolver. “It’s a 357 Magnum.” says Gomer proudly.
Stevie is surprised at how heavy the gun is in his hand. “Now what?” he asks.
“Just point it at that there target down there, and squeeze the trigger.” says Gomer pointing at a man shaped target thirty yards away. “But be careful there hoss, it’s got a kick to it.”
So that’s what Stevie the Hippopotamus does. He points and shoots.
The gun goes off with a very big BANG! and Stevie’s arm flies up into the air. Stevie misses the target completely. Gomer the Turtle bends over laughing and slapping his knee. “I told you it had a kick.”
Stevie tries again but he’s such a limp wristed Hippopotamus he can’t control the gun. Gomer laughs some more and tells Stevie that he “should have brought his sister’s derringer!”
The fun and laughter comes to a quick halt when the owner of the Plink-a-Lot, Larry the Weasel runs up to them and shouts “My neighbor Gladys the Goose has been shot.”
Gomer and Stevie run over to where Gladys the Goose is lying on the ground, holding her knee and crying in pain. “I’ve been shot – oh dear – it hurts so much. Why would anyone shoot me?”
Gomer looks at Stevie and says, “Oh crap you’ve shot Gladys the Goose..”
Stevie sinks to the ground and begins to cry. He begs Gladys to forgive him. She can’t answer him – just keeps crying and saying the same thing over and over again “Why would someone shoot me?”
Soon the ambulance comes to collect Gladys the Goose and takes her to the hospital.
Months later, Gladys the Goose is out of the hospital and the hospital people come to her with a very big medical bill. “My stars, this sure has a lot of zeros on it, how in the world will I ever pay for it?”
Facing bankruptcy, Gladys hires a lawyer – Lenny the Lobster to help her collect some money for her injuries. “I was just walking down the road minding my own business and someone shot me. It’s not fair.”
Lenny the Lobster drags Larry the Weasel into court and shakes Gladys’ hospital bill in his face. “Gladys the Goose was just walking down the road in front of your business.”
Larry smiles and says. “No, I just run a simple business and Gladys wasn’t even one of my customers. Plus she was on the road – not in my place.”
Gladys cried into her hands. Larry the Weasel smiled at her and said. “I want you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers.”
Lenny the Lobster drags in Stevie the Hippopotamus into court and shakes Gladys’ hospital bill in his face.
Stevie says “I’d like to help – I have six hundred dollars in my bank account. You can have that.”
Lenny the Lobster sneers. “That will barely cover one day in the hospital.”
Stevie sighs and says. “I wish I could do more, I really do. I think about you everyday since the accident and I’ve been praying for you also.”
Gladys cries into her hands.
Next Lenny brings in Gomer and shakes Gladys’ hospital bill in his face.
Gomer smiles at the lawyer and says. “Yeah, that was my gun but I didn’t shoot her- it was that limp wristed fool over there that shot her.” Gomer points at Stevie and delivers his coup de gras “Guns don’t shoot people – people shoot people!”
Gladys cried into her hands. Gomer the Turtle smiled at her and said. “I want you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers.”
Lenny the Lobster drags in Jimmy the Slug, the CEO of Jones & Wasson, the company that sold the gun and shakes Gladys’ hospital bill in his face.
Jimmy the Slug grins at the little people in the courtroom and says,
“Surely, you can’t believe that we are culpable.”
“Your gun shot Gladys the Goose and now she is facing bankruptcy.” cried Lenny the Lawyer.
“Our gun did exactly what it was designed to do.” Jimmie smiled slyly. “It is designed to shoot bullets.“
Gladys cried into her hands.
Jimmie slid off the witness chair clucking his tongue. “This is just an unfortunate accident, no one to blame – Thoughts and Prayers! Toodles”
Gladys the Goose went home and watched as the creditors stripped her home and sold her house.
Gladys the Goose now lives under a bridge and sells her blood in order to eat. She doesn’t cry so much anymore. Late at night she looks up at the stars and marvels that she lives in a country that knows how to build products that can kill lots of people but can’t seem to figure out how to protect people that are just walking down the street.
Thoughts and Prayers!