![](http://voice.devinecreations.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/trump-family-portrait.jpg)
Obama vs. Trump
![](http://voice.devinecreations.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/trump-family-portrait.jpg)
My brother says I got OCD but fuck him, what’s he know?
We’re twins, born like two minutes apart – or ten minutes? You’d think I’d remember, I heard Ma tell the story ‘nough times. The time I heard the story best we were like six or seven years old. It was hot – so hot. Why’d we have to sit in the sun like that I don’t know. We was across the block sitting in Ma’s girlfriend’s back yard. Ma was having a beer and a smoke with Ginny. Ma’s beer was even sweating it was so gol-damed hot. She’d peeled the label some with her fingernail so the water could drop out onto the tablecloth instead of her shirt. It was a pretty blue tablecloth unfolded into squares, that’s what Ma loved about Ginny she told me once,
“Even in the middle of the hottest friggin month of the year Ginny’s got a tablecloth on her picnic table.”
Anyways.
Ma tilted her long pretty neck up at God and blew some smoke out of her mouth at him then she told Ginny ’bout how Sonny and me was born. “Man, I thought I’d like to ‘ave split in fuckin’ half Gin.” she peeled a little more paper from her bottle. “I was bleeding and spitting and screaming bloody murder for the longest time, ‘course Bill had long since ran out to the street to have a smoke.” Ma lit herself another cigarette, dropped her little pink lighter on the table, and ran her fingers through her curly black hair. This was the same hand she had her cigarette in mind you, that’s how good she was with her hands.
Anyways.
“So yeah it was a long labor having This One.” Ma pushed her thumb at me. “I was nearly ready to slide right outta the bed pushing This One out.” Then she smiles at Sonny. “But it was worth it in the end. Ten minutes later (or was it two?) I got my Sonny.”
Man, it was hot that day. We had Kool-aid. Ginny gave it to us in paper cups with little ice cubes floating on the top. I spilled mine right away but of course Sonny didn’t spill his. I can still see his stupid red lips as he drank it. I put the ice cubes in my mouth and chewed em up, telling myself that this was better anyways – my mouth was nice and cool for a while and all that dumb ass had was red lips. Ha.
Anyways.
Sonny is all a time telling stories about me. I know why that is. He’s the youngest. Jealous, I guess. It don’t matter what I do, or even if Sonny is right there with me doin’ whatever it is that he’s tattlin about us doing I’m the one gets his ass licked. Sonny thinks he’s the smart one. He told Ma I was the one that cut my sheets up with her pink shears. But I couldn’t help it you see. They ain’t like normal scissors. The blades are squiggly – like the border on Charlie Brown’s sweatshirt so I asks her about them and she takes them and cuts a piece of old material with them. “See they are pink shears.” Then she slides them back into the drawer under her sewing machine. So yeah, one night I was thinking on them scissors and I was wondering if they were really pink so I went and got them. The whole house was asleep cept Sonny and me. I had them under the covers looking at them with my flashlight. Just as I thought, they weren’t any color at all. Just metal. Metal and they were heavy. I opened and closed them a bunch of times listening to the snick sounds they made and then before I knew it I had cut my top sheet up like Charlie Brown’s sweatshirt.
Anyways.
Sonny of course couldn’t wait to tell Ma what I’d done. So I got a paddling from Dad. That hurt like hell. So yeah, I took a knife to Sonny over that. I don’t remember it all, just the first part where Sonny was laughing at me as I cried into my pillow after the paddling. He was all “I told you not to mess with those scissors you dumb ass.” He jumped on the end of my bed. “Now you don’t have a top sheet. You’ll just have to make do without one.” Laughing.
Anyways.
So I stabbed him. That shut him up. Thats how we both ended up in this place – him cause he was bleeding all over the place and me cause I tried to kill him.
My brother says I’m a psycho but fuck him, what’s he know?
I told that story about Ma and her girlfriend Ginny to this women doctor last week and she leaned back in her chair and asked me: “How did that make you feel?”
What a dumb ass question. I ain’t no doctor and I’ll admit that I’m not as smart as some, even Sonny but all the same I know that’s a stupid question. “She’s my Ma.” was all I would say.
Anyways.
I went to this church the other day. OK, I didn’t really ‘go there’ but you know it felt like I did – like some dreams do. This guy in a robe greeted me at the door and touched his hand on the back of my head. It wasn’t nothing dirty now, don’t go thinking that. It was nice, like I was a little kid, not nearly all growed up like I am now. He smoothed my hair down and said I was welcome to go into the other room and he’d be in there soon to tell us all about God. So I went in. As I walked in to the main part of the church most people kind of spread themselves out like so I couldn’t sit next to them. I had walked in pretty far when a pretty lady in a sun dress slid over closer to her husband and let me sit down next to her. Her husband said something into her ear but I didn’t catch what it was. After a while she was talking to me about her dog and everything. She was worried that she hadn’t brought him (the dog) inside plus she couldn’t remember whether she had locked the door. Her husband leaned past her and looked at me hard like and then told me that she had stood outside the door and turned the key ten times like she always did. He raised his eyebrows and then rolled his eyes at her like she was nuts. I hate that. So I told him about the houses on my street.
“For years when you came out of my house and turned left there were four houses, an empty lot and then three more. First house is white, then red brick, white again then blue – empty lot, white house, gray house and finally white. I go out every day that I think about it and run down the street and push the doorbells.”
The wife with the dog is nodding her head now. She gets it.
“See I have to ring those doorbells.” The guy in the robe now is getting ready to tell us about God so I hurry with my story. “So anyways see, one day I come out and run down the street to ring my doorbells. ‘First house is white, then red brick, white again then blue – empty lot, white house, gray house and finally white.’
Right?
Except no.
“Somebody had put up a house on the empty lot.” I shouted. Now it’s not ‘First house is white, then red brick, white again then blue – empty lot, white house, gray house and finally white.’ NO. I can feel the guy in the robe looking at me and some a the other people in the church. I gotta finish my story though so I stand up and keep telling the wife with the dog. “No. Now everything is fucked up. It’s a God-damned mess,” I tell her. She’s nodding her head – she gets it. Well, I guess it’s a mistake to say “God-damned” in this guy’s church cause they made me leave.
Anyways.
The doctor lady was just in here and asks me: “Can you tell me who I’m talking to? ”
Another stupid question. That’s why I’m growing the mustache. So people can tell us apart. Yeah it’s pretty thin now but it’ll get thicker, as long as Sonny don’t grow one I’ll be OK.
Doctor lady says again. “Are you Sonny or ‘This one’?”
I don’t say nothin’
She can see the mustache can’t she?
Anyways.
My brother says I’m nuts but fuck him, what’s he know?
I quit drinking coffee at some point in my life. I don’t really know why but I started up again a month or so ago. There are two Starbucks on my block. Yeah, two. Every morning, before I stopped drinking the stuff, I would go downstairs, three flights down and walk down to the one that is on my side of the street. It’s further than the other one but you have to cross the street to get to that one so I always used the one I’m talking about. They got used to me coming in there and they would even put Juliet’s name on her Venti Soy milk carmaletto latte even though she never actually set foot in the place. I guess I told them her name at some time and so they sharpied ‘Juliet’ on her drink.
Armed with her drink and mine I would go back to the apartment and wake her up in time to get to her job downtown. She liked to get up at 7:45 so she could shower and catch the 8:25 train. After she was gone I would get my shower and start taking calls. I’m a help desk guy – freelance sort of. I have to take two hundred calls a week to keep my gig and I usually get those under my belt by Wednesday morning. Everything else is gravy. Juliet was less than enthusiastic about my career but she stayed quiet most of the time about it. We were at a party a few months ago and she said I was a telephone sex worker. To be fair she’d had a couple of glasses of wine on an empty stomach so she probably didn’t even know what she’d said. I think that that party might be where she and Jason got started. I don’t know.
So like I said, I just got started drinking coffee again, but I don’t get it at either of the Starbucks on my block. I go to a bar named Slappys. Slappys is between my apartment and the Starbucks I used to go to. One morning I just woke up and decided I wanted a cup of coffee. I might have been dreaming of Juliet – yeah I think I was. She and I were looking at a Sharper Image catalog and considering whether to buy a Swedish coffee brewer. It was carved out of a block of Norwegian porcelain. Who knew that was a thing anyways? It cost $595. I was getting my credit card out when I woke up with a start and found myself craving coffee.
I was surprised to find it had turned cold and was snowing lightly as I started walking towards the Starbucks. I hadn’t put much on except my sweatpants and a pullover sweater. Slappys’ bar door banged open just before I reached it and a delivery man pushed a two wheeled cart out across my path. I pulled up short and for some reason turned into the bar. It was an odd feeling, a real throwback like the kind of bar my Dad and I went to looking for my Uncle Sal. Uncle Sal would go on a bender every couple of months and it was my Dad’s job to track him down and deliver him back to Aunt Sharmane. Ma always made me go with him. My job, I finally figured out, was to be with Dad so he and Uncle Sal wouldn’t get even drunker once they found each other.
There were three guys sitting at the bar. Two right next to each other, hunched over staring into short glasses of beer. Empty shot glasses stood in front of each man. They each had a bar towel draped around their necks. The third guy was reading a newspaper and was smoking a cigarette. This surprised me since a recent state law had been passed outlawing this. I guess maybe they didn’t know about the law here in Slappys. The guy with the cigarette stood up slowly and folded his newspaper under his arm as he walked behind the bar.
“What’ll it be?” His voice was thick and gravely. I was pretty sure he was Eastern European.
Bartender, I thought. “Do you have coffee?”
He turned to the back of the bar and pulled a Styrofoam cup off a big stack of cups next to an ancient Bunn double burner. He then took a decanter from the Bunn and poured steaming hot coffee into the cup. Finally he grabbed a flimsy plastic lid from somewhere back there and slapped it over the top of the cup.
“Fifty-five cents.” He growled.
I considered asking for cream and a Sweet and Low but though better of it when one of the two patrons opened his mouth and belched. Instead I took a dollar bill out of my sweatpants and told him to keep the change.
I and my coffee were nearly out the door when I heard one of the bar flies call him ‘Stavros.’ I considered throwing the coffee into the nearest trash can and continuing on to Starbucks but then thought better of it. What if upon seeing me they make Juliet’s drink? They don’t know .. they don’t know what? I ask myself. They don’t know what happened. Shit neither did I really. No, I had my coffee. Stavros made it and poured it out for me. So I was set. I returned to my apartment and was pleasantly surprised to discover that it was pretty good. It had a good aroma and dusky taste. Black. I hadn’t drank a coffee black since I was in college.
The next morning I woke up and wanted coffee again. No dream of Juliet this time, just a desire for coffee. I looked out the window and noted the weather before heading out. I put a thicker coat on and grabbed my gloves.
Stavros was behind the bar when I walked in. He was leaning over his newspaper mumbling to himself. The two old guys were in their same spots, moldering.
“Coffee” I smiled.
Stavros grunted then turned to the bar and repeated the same actions as he had before. I noted the stack of Styrofoam cups hadn’t seemed to have dropped any since yesterday. I might very well be the only coffee customer he has. Which made me marvel at the enormous reserve of cups the man has next to his coffee machine. Had some smooth talking salesman come in here sometime in the last decade and convinced Stavros that he needed two thousand Styrofoam cups vouchsafed against the day he would be called upon to sell ten gallons of coffee?
“Ten cents.” He snarled.
“Ten cents?” I asked.
“Ten cents.”
“It was fifty-five cents yesterday.” This man was playing with me.
“Today – ten cents.” He leveled his eyes at me, daring me to argue with him again.
“Ok.” I said digging a dime from my pocket. “See you tomorrow.”
One of the old men sang “Tomorrow, tomorrow – I love you …” his voice trailed off. He’d either forgot the words or lost interest.
The next day Stavros and I exchanged coffee for money.
“Fifty-five cents.” He said.
I smiled and pulled three quarters from my pocket. His eyes were drawn to the coins as I dropped them on the bar. “Keep the change.”
I was stepping through the door when I heard him say. “Bah”
The next few days were dark. I didn’t go out for coffee. Juliet had texted me. She thought we should talk. I ignored the texts and stayed in bed.
Sunday, I went for a walk and stood outside Slappys for ten minutes before walking back home. I had been by there the night before and there was music playing and I could smell hamburgers frying. The bar did OK for itself I guess. I wanted to go in but I didn’t.
Monday morning I woke up and made myself get out of bed. I had to sign in today and take some calls. Last week’s funk had hurt my numbers and I needed the income. So I went down to Slappys and got some coffee.
Stavros slid the cup in front of me and said. “Thirty five cents.”
“Thirty five, huh? Your prices sure fluctuate a lot.”
“What is this fluctuate?” he said slyly. I didn’t take the bait. For all I knew the man was a college professor.
“How much was this coffee yesterday?”
“You weren’t here yesterday.” He shrugged.
I pulled two quarters from my pocket and asked. “How much will this coffee cost tomorrow?
Stavros eyed the quarters and said. “I am not sure. Better you should come in tomorrow and we will find out together.”
I stopped the shenanigans with the money and decided to see what I could do to bring Stavros into present times. I was feeling bad about the Styrofoam cups accumulating in my apartment. I found a plastic travel mug that Juliet had given me in the back of a kitchen cabinet. It had a frog on the front of it and it said “Pucker up – I might be your Prince!”
I took that with me the next day and sat it on the bar. Stavros looked at it briefly and then turned to the bar, took down a Styrofoam cup and filled it with coffee.
“No.” I said. I wanted you to put my coffee in this cup. I spun it so he could see the frog.
Stavros picked it up and then showed it to the guys at the bar. They squinted at it and then chuckled. Stavros put it back on the bar and then handed me my coffee.
“Fifty-five cents.”
Now I had two stupid cups – I took the top off the frog cup and then took the top off my Styrofoam cup. I poured my coffee into the frog cup and then pushed the Styrofoam cup back across the bar. “Now you can recycle that cup.”
Stavros grunted, took the cup and its top and tossed it into a trash bin under the bar.
“Fifty-five cents.”
Each day I walked into Slappys with my plastic frog cup and walked out with coffee in that cup and an empty Styrofoam cup.
Stavros doesn’t recycle.
Once a week I take my Styrofoam cups into the Starbucks. They have a very nice recycle setup in the lobby. The irony of this does not escape me.
Juliet was sitting on my stoop one morning when I came out.
“Why haven’t you answered my texts?”
“I don’t know.” She is beautiful. Her hair moves in the icy breeze. It’s blonder then I recall. “Have you changed your hair?”
She shakes her head. She’s not going to answer that question. I realize that she never answers any question that she doesn’t want to. She get answers to questions.
How is it I never saw that before?
“I forgot about that cup.” She points to my frog cup.
I feel my face blush. How will I explain this silly game I play daily with a man who doesn’t know my name?
“Yeah, I don’t …” I turn back towards my door but then I stop and turn back. “What do you want Juliet?”
“Let’s walk.” She says and loops her arm through mine. “I need a latte.”
For a few steps she is quiet and then she starts. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Jason is such a child. He doesn’t know how to be .. “ She smiles into my face. “He’s not you, is what I’m saying.” Juliet squeezes my arm. “I’m hoping we can put all this behind us.”
I feel myself nodding my head. I can’t really think as she chatters away. We pull up next to Slappys and her face slips into puzzlement. “What’s here?”
“I get my coffee here now.”
“Why..” she looks askance at the bar door. “Let’s go to Starbucks. I’ll buy.”
“No.” I plant my feet.
“Honey.” Her face hardens. “Don’t be stubborn.”
I leave her on the sidewalk and go into the bar. Stavros slaps his newspaper on the bar and looks past me at Juliet as she peeks into the bar.
I don’t say anything as I hear the door slam shut. I know that she has not come into the bar. She’s still out there. Outside.
“I’d like to buy the bar a drink” I say impulsively.
The half dead men at the bar suddenly come awake.
Stavros looks at me for a second, giving me a chance to change my mind. His eyes flit back to the closed door where my former girlfriend is tapping her foot on the pavement.
“OK.” He nods his head as if agreeing to some unspoken question and pours out the drinks for the men. He then takes my plastic frog cup and fills it with coffee.
“Three dollars and fifty-five cents.” He says.
I pull a five dollar bill from my pocket, drop it on the counter and say:
“Keep the change.”
Because Donald Trump wants to Make America Great Again™
he often gets letters and emails sent to him seeking his advice.
Mr. Trump has graciously allowed us to reprint them here.
Do you have a question for Mr. Trump? Tweet them to @dearDJT
Dear Donald,
I have been married to my husband for over forty years. I love him a lot, he was my college sweetheart, but I’m not certain that he is being faithful. We are moving to Washington D.C soon and I am worried about all the young women that live there. You and Melania seem to have a fantastic relationship. Do you have any pointers for me?
HC – New York.
Dear HC,
I see a couple of problems here.
One. You’ve been married forty years? What the hell? You should be on your third husband by now, forth or fifth if you’re not a dog.
Two: It sounds like you married an American citizen – big mistake, believe me. It’s a disaster, let me tell you. I keep Melania’s passport in my safe at Mar-a-Lago, or am I keeping it in my safe at Trump Towers? See what I’m getting at?
Three: Chasity belts. They work, you’d know that if America was still great.
Yours in fantastictude.
Donald J. Trump
Dear Donald,
I think you are the greatest, I am looking forward to November when you make America great again. My question is – well, first off I got this neighbor, Pedro or Javier maybe, Anyways he’s a illegal Mexican I’m sure of it. He lives just on the other side of my fence and has an ugly dog that barks at my cats all the time. What I’m wonderin’ is what’s gonna happen to his low rider when you disappear him on Day One? It’s a pretty sweet Trans-Am from the 80’s. I’ll put one of your bumper stickers on it if I can keep it.
John M. – Chicago
Dear John.
You can keep it as long as you paint it orange. Thats the deal, trust me I make the best deals.
Yours tremendously
Donald J. Trump
Dear Donald,
I am a great Christian just like you and read the Bible every day. It says in there that I should not spare the rod or else my children will become spoiled rotten welfare dependants. I don’t want that but beating them with a rod? Won’t that hurt?
Wincing in Georgia
Dear Wincing,
It doesn’t have to hurt. It’s all in how you hold the rod, I suggest gloves if your hands are overly sensitive. If at all possible have one of your staff do it for you. My butler Anthony beat all my kids and look how great they turned out. OK the Marla one is kind of a pansy but the rest of ’em? Fantastic, wonderful kids, let me tell you.
Yours in terrific parenthood.
Donald J. Trump
Do you have a question for Mr. Trump? Tweet them to @dearDJT
Because Donald Trump wants to Make America Great Again™
he often gets letters and emails sent to him seeking his advice.
Mr. Trump has graciously allowed us to reprint them here.
Do you have a question for Mr. Trump? Tweet them to @dearDJT
Dear Mr. Trump,
I am more than just a little bit angry at the way you are being treated by the Lame stream media. It seems like no matter what you do they fail to see the tremendousness of your abilities. Don’t these people understand that your talent and brains are a rare huge thing? It’s no wonderment to me that these newspapers and TV shows are all failing. It’s sad. They are loserish people.
Sincerely
John Miller – Publicist to the stars.
Dear John,
I couldn’t agree more. I have dedicated my entire fantastic life building my wealth and amassing beauty like my fabulous wife Melania. Oh she’s beautiful isn’t she? I’d like to see that little pipsqueak George Stephanopoulos land a dame like her. Or Anderson Cooper, whats wrong with that guy anyways? He’s pretty good looking why isn’t he married by now? Well maybe once I’m president I can introduce him to my guy. This guy, I’m tellin’ you. He’s got the broads man. Anyways, as I was saying, I have amassed all this money, good looking kids, tremendous wife all so I can be the President of the U.S.A. Sacrifice after sacrifice and you think these news people could climb down offaa my ass for ten minutes or so once in a while. But NOoooo, on top of that you got those smart ass comics .. don’t get me started. Thanks for the letter.
Yours tremendously
Donald J. Trump
Dear Mr. Trump
You have such nice children. I am righting to you to ask you how it is that your kids are so freakin nice? Me? I got five kids (really four, but that fifth one is a hole other story.) Well anyways I have five kids and everyone of them is an enormous pain in my posterior let me tell you. I work hard to make a living so that they have nice stuff and all and they still all end up in trouble. Not big trouble mind you, just guy stuff like waving an automatic rifle around and beating up a girlfriend or two. My daughter can’t seem to keep her panties on and keeps getting knocked up. It’s embarrassing as I am a pillow of the community and am held to a higher standard. I suspect folks are laughing behind my back down at the bait shop. Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks
Sarah P.
Alaska
Dear Sarah,
Send me a picture of your daughter.
Yours hugely,
Donald J. Trump
Dear Mr. Trump
I have been meaning to contact you for some time. I am a hard worker and am currently out of work. I would like to apply for a job on your deportation force. I have my own truck and a .410 shotgun. Well the shotgun is my daddy’s but I can use now since the arther-rit-us has got him laid out most of the time. My wife can help with the sewing and such for the uniforms. What do you think?
Your’s at that ready.
Billy Bob J.
Corncob Mountain, Tennessee.
Dear Billy Bob,
Send me a picture of your wife.
Yours fantastically,
Donald J. Trump
Do you have a question for Mr. Trump? Tweet them to @dearDJT
Several years ago I discovered the fun of roasting my own coffee beans. I do it with a Orville Redenbacher popcorn maker. Here is a YouTube video of it in action:
Roasting coffee beans in my popcorn maker
That’s the question isn’t it?
When I was younger I daydreamed of this time.:
“Imagine not having to get up to that damn alarm? Imagine being able to do what I want anytime I want.”
Yeah. Imagine that.
So now here it is. Retirement. I’m lucky to be here for starters, there was more than one time the chances of my living this long were right up there with the chances of the Lions going to the Super Bowl.
I’m also lucky I was able to stumble into a career that allowed me to get to this point, although in truth this is also a career where being a grey beard is not a plus. I think a fair amount of my co-workers eye me and wonder “When is this old fart going to give it up already?”
I’ve been through three different leadership changes and three different department names. I could tell you about that time we lost power three times in one day .. oh .. I see your eyes rolling up into your head. (Remember what I said about us grey beards?)
So OK. It’s time. I’ve tentatively been throwing July around but like a reluctant groom I haven’t bought the ring yet. Some of it is money. Not earning any is worrisome, but if I get low on dough I can get a job eh? But then hell if I’m gonna do that why retire at all? So maybe it’s not money – maybe it’s the question of what am I going to go with my free time. I’ve been fortunate to be able to work from home these last months and my wife is suffering deeply for it. Daily questions like “What’s for lunch” and “What do you think this thing on my neck is?” are taking a toll on her. I worry about her.
I could do some Olympic style napping, I’ve always wanted to catch up on my sleep but then what to do at night?
Who will I be once I’m retired? Ahh that’s it. That’s what is holding me back. I can be a husband, a dad, a grandpa and a dog owner. Those all have duties associated with them, not the least my dog owner duties, Champ the dog is plenty disgusted with me seeing as I only let him in and out of our patio door fifty times a day.
So, yeah I can stay busy and I guess I don’t care what I do as long as I’m not bored. Or dead.
6:45 AM.
I’m awake. Of course I’m awake, I don’t need to be anywhere, the alarm clock next to my head ( and in my head ) has no assignment. I could sleep another hour at least.
But. I don’t.
Grayish blue light frames a square where I know our bedroom window is. Tree branches slant and sway outside.
‘There.’ I tell myself. ‘Look at that and listen to the wind. That will put you back to sleep.’
But. It doesn’t.
Hours later – or seconds, I open my eyes and there is a cat silhouetted in the window. Almost by magic. I can’t see how he got there but I know cats have their ways, plus there is a chair directly under the window. The cat’s name is Alex or Sam or MoJo – they all look alike, a nightmare of it’s own I’ll tell you but I think this one is Alex. Owlishly he swivels his head left and right as he considers the day before him.
Alex sees something in the yard that interests him, his ears twitch slightly and he rises just a little on his haunches. He shifts his position, two stories up looking through a thick piece of glass he’s not really going to be able to do anything about whatever it is he sees. But still he seems intent that he his going to do something, ‘He has a plan.’ I tell myself. ‘Cats always do.’
I am hoping to use this to accelerate my writing. I like to write .. well sometimes at least and when I do I often end up squirreling my words away on my computer or if I’m feeling confidant enough about it I will put it on Facebook as a note.