Because Donald Trump wants to Make America Great Again™
he often gets letters and emails sent to him seeking his advice.
Mr. Trump has graciously allowed us to reprint them here.
Do you have a question for Mr. Trump? Tweet them to @dearDJT
Dear Donald,
I have been married to my husband for over forty years. I love him a lot, he was my college sweetheart, but I’m not certain that he is being faithful. We are moving to Washington D.C soon and I am worried about all the young women that live there. You and Melania seem to have a fantastic relationship. Do you have any pointers for me?
HC – New York.
Dear HC,
I see a couple of problems here.
One. You’ve been married forty years? What the hell? You should be on your third husband by now, forth or fifth if you’re not a dog.
Two: It sounds like you married an American citizen – big mistake, believe me. It’s a disaster, let me tell you. I keep Melania’s passport in my safe at Mar-a-Lago, or am I keeping it in my safe at Trump Towers? See what I’m getting at?
Three: Chasity belts. They work, you’d know that if America was still great.
Yours in fantastictude.
Donald J. Trump
Dear Donald,
I think you are the greatest, I am looking forward to November when you make America great again. My question is – well, first off I got this neighbor, Pedro or Javier maybe, Anyways he’s a illegal Mexican I’m sure of it. He lives just on the other side of my fence and has an ugly dog that barks at my cats all the time. What I’m wonderin’ is what’s gonna happen to his low rider when you disappear him on Day One? It’s a pretty sweet Trans-Am from the 80’s. I’ll put one of your bumper stickers on it if I can keep it.
John M. – Chicago
Dear John.
You can keep it as long as you paint it orange. Thats the deal, trust me I make the best deals.
Yours tremendously
Donald J. Trump
Dear Donald,
I am a great Christian just like you and read the Bible every day. It says in there that I should not spare the rod or else my children will become spoiled rotten welfare dependants. I don’t want that but beating them with a rod? Won’t that hurt?
Wincing in Georgia
Dear Wincing,
It doesn’t have to hurt. It’s all in how you hold the rod, I suggest gloves if your hands are overly sensitive. If at all possible have one of your staff do it for you. My butler Anthony beat all my kids and look how great they turned out. OK the Marla one is kind of a pansy but the rest of ’em? Fantastic, wonderful kids, let me tell you.
Yours in terrific parenthood.
Donald J. Trump
Do you have a question for Mr. Trump? Tweet them to @dearDJT