or
Orange Is The New Red.
Scene opens in the Trump bedroom. Donald and Melania are laying in a very large bed trimmed in gold. The headboard reads TRUMP. Melania is sleeping quietly on her back, she has her eyes covered by a sleep mask, her face is lathered in face cream. Donald is binge watching “The West Wing.”
He shakes his head and mumbles to himself: Why are they walking in circles all the time?
Melania stirs: Mmm?
Donald pats her hip: Ssh, sorry.
Donald’s face turns into a sneer: That Josh Lyman – what a smartass. Once I’m in office I’m gonna hire that guy just so I can fire him.
Donald’s cell phone rings, he answers: You’re on for Trump!
Voice on phone: Donnie?
Donald: Whosis?
Voice: It’s Gary. Gary Busey.
Donald: Hmm. Your number is blocked.
Busey: Yeah, I blocked it .. you know for security.
Donald: Security?
Busey: Yeah, you had the CIA briefing today. Right?
Donald: Uhm .. I guess.
Busey: You guess?
Donald: Well, they took me to some building downtown – didn’t even blindfold me. Pfft.
Busey: Huh.
Donald: Plus, Jack wasn’t there.
Busey: What?
Donald: Yeah. I said where’s Jack Bauer? They played stupid for a while and then told me he was on assignment overseas.
Busey: Sounds fishy.
Donald: Yeah, They had good donuts though. Mighta been from Dunkin’
Busey asks excitedly: So, whadja find out?
Donald: Area 51? It’s totally real. Once I’m President I can go out there anytime I want. They said I can bring one guest.
Busey: Omagod, omagod, omagod – your’e gonna take me right?
Donald: Well, I don’t know Gary — once I’m president I’ll have to live my life a lot more seriously.
Busey groans.
A uncomfortable silence stretches out. Donald wiggles his toes at the end of the bed and then smiles wickedly to himself: Ha – I’m just kiddin’ you – I’m Trump. Hey, maybe we can have your birthday party out there!
Busey laughs nervously: Ha – Ok, good one. You got me – how about the other?
Donald: The King? Nah, they wouldn’t talk about it. Big friggin’ secret.
Busey: I knew it!
Donald: Don’t you worry though. Once I’m in office they’ll tell me. Or else.
Busey: It’s been so long ..
Donald: He’s still alive. I just know it. Elvis Presley sure didn’t die sitting on the toilet. That’s for sure. We’ll get to the bottom of ..
Donald’s phone buzzes and he holds it out so he can see the incoming number : Oops. Gotta another call Gary. I gotta go.
Donald taps his phone: You’re on for Trump!
Voice speaking Russian
Donald: English man. Paul gets that gibberish but not me.
Voice: Where is Paul?
Donald: He’s probably sulking in his room drinking that horrible Russian tea and vodka. I’m about to send him back to you. He’s stinking the whole joint up.
Voice: What is this word stingking?
Donald: Stinking! Smelly. Who heats up Borscht and sauerkraut on a hot plate all day anyways?
Voice sighs : Boss wants report.
Donald: Jeezz everybody is on my ass tonight.
Voice: Report!
Donald: I dunno. I didn’t really listen. That’s why I took the general with me.
Voice: Russia? Any words speaking about Russia or Ukraine?
Donald: Ha. Now that you mention it. No. They didn’t say anything about Russia. I wonder why?
Voice: Hmm
Donald scratches his head: Must be we don’t worry about you guys anymore.
Voice: Boss asks, deal still on?
Donald: Yeah yeah. The deals still good. You guys get Utah, I don’t know why you want it though. Did you know I couldn’t even get a pizza delivered to my plane? I’m sitting on the tarmac at Salt Lake city. No pizza. I mean, whats up with that? I had to have a frozen chimichanga.
Voice: Goodnight.
Donald drops his phone on the table and returns to “The West Wing” Man it’s gonna be so good – it’s gonna be yuuge.
Scene fades as we hear “Hail to the Chief” on the television.