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Orange Is The New Red.
Scene opens in the Trump Tower boardroom.
Donald sits at the head of the table sporting his patented “Master of the Universe” scowl. He is wearing a dark suit, white shirt and a metallic blue Trump tie that is pulled up sharply to his closely shaven neck. Others around the table include Ivanka Trump, Steve Bannon, Kellyanne Conway and Gary Busey. Busey is wearing a bicycle helmet. Kellyanne is busily typing away on her laptop.
Kellyanne: Say Mr. Trump, did you have a .. what was the name of your first pet?
Donald: Hrummp.
Ivanka: Daddy gets grumpy about that sort of thing. He wanted a cat when he was young but Grampa Fred ate …
Donald interrupts Ivanka : Lets get down to business.
Bannon: Before we start, what’s Busey doing here?
Ivanka: Gary is Daddy’s support animal.
Donald: Don’t worry about it Steve. Nice shorts by the way, I suppose you’re the one wearing patchouli?
Kellyanne stands up in shock: Gee Willakers! Who’s this?
She bends over and grabs Roger Ailes by the ear and drags him up from under the table. Mr. Trump! I thought we discussed this.
Kellyanne stamps her perfect size 3 shoe on the floor.
Donald: He’s not hurting anyone. Come over here Roger.
Kellyanne: Oh really? Whats he doing under the table then? You know I went on that nice woman Rachel Maddow’s talk show and I told her that Mr. Ailes was not working on this campaign.
Donald: And he’s not. I’m not paying him. Nothing! I make the best deals I tell you. That reminds me, I meant to ask you – did you ask her my question?
Kellyanne: No, I didn’t. I’m quite certain that she won’t wear a Trump tie on her show.
Donald: What? She wears Seinfeld’s puffy shirt but not my tie? No wonder her show is failing.
Ivanka whispers: Not failing.
Roger slips into his chair and pulls a collapsible megaphone out of his pocket: Psst little girl
Kellyanne: Mr. Trump!
Ailes: Have you seen my dog? Will you help me find …
Kellyanne swings her purse roundhouse style and knocks Ailes off his chair. She jumps on his back and starts pounding him.
Busey: Hey Donnie, that nice lady is beating Mr. Hitchcock up.
Donald: Shutup Gary
Trump points at Kellyanne and Ailes rolling around on the floor: Ivanka .. stop this – we have work to do.
Ivanka leans over and maces Ailes. Ivanka helps Kellyanne off the floor and hands her the mace.
Here, better keep this in your purse. Also Kellyanne ..
Ivanka grabs her shoulders and looks Kellyanne in the eyes:
Don’t forget, you signed a NDA. That fucker’s airtight .. I oughta know.
Busey: When are we gonna eat, Donnie? You said there’d be pancakes.
Kellyanne returns to her seat and says slowly: I know what will be fun, lets all go around and say what the name of our high school was. I’ll start. Brookfield High School. You go next Mr. Bannon
Bannon: I went to David Duke High School.
Ivanka whispers : It’s not gonna work Kellyanne. He’ll just have that Russian guy hack the password again.
Kellyanne whispers back: Gosh darn it.
Kellyanne sighs: Ok, Mr. Trump. .. Mr. Trump I’ve seemed to misplaced the twitter password again. … silly me
The intercom on the table buzzes: Doctor Bornstein is here sir.
Donald: Send him in.
Voice over the intercom: I’m sorry sir, he wants fifty dollars first.
Donald: Do we have any of that that Trump champagne out there?
Dr. Bornstein’s voice comes over the intercom. No way – I want real money this time. Your caviar gave my dog the shits for three days.
Donald chuckles: Come on in, Ivanka’s got fifty on her don’t you sweetheart?
Ivanka sighs and starts pulling folded up dollar bills out of her bra as Bornstein walks through the door.
Donald: Doctor Bornstein sit down this won’t take long.
Kellyanne pulls a sheet of paper out of her briefcase : Doctor Bornstein we have a report here that we would like you to sign.
Bannon: Bornstein? That’s Jewish ain’t it?
Bornstein snaps his fingers at Ivanka, she drops the money in front of him. Kellyanne hands him a pen and the report.
Bornstein reading the report: What’s this? I don’t think you can get anyone to believe this part about a stallion.
Ivanka: Daddy!
Bornstein: Hannity maybe. He’d believe it I suppose but …
Kellyanne pulls out another sheet of paper and slides it over to the doctor: Try this one.
The doctor signs it and stands up to leave.
Busey: Wait! Come on man – say it.
Bornstein: Say what?
Busey: Oh come on man, I love that movie.
Bornstein: I don’t have time for this. I have an Uber waiting downstairs.
Busey lowers his voice: “That rug really tied the room together.”
Bornstein blinks at Busey: What?
Busey is awestruck: Wow the Dude and Alfred Hitchcock. You really do know a lot of famous people Donnie.
Donald: Shut the fuck up Gary.
Busey: No not that line!
Bannon’s phone starts ringing, he searches through fifteen different pockets in his cargo pants looking for it.
The scene fades as we hear the sounds of “Dixie” coming from Bannon’s phone.